I hope by the time this goes live that these stupid-ass fashion trends instigated by celebs trying to look down to earth because they can afford not to will be over. But I doubt it. Sarah Jessica Parker is determined to convince me that wearing a halter with bra straps is not only acceptable, that it’s fashionable, too! Nuh-uh. I believe that like I believe that she didn’t have a nosejob over the summer. Award show fashions are some of the worst. Here’s a newsflash: Your nipples are not accessories. Put them away.

But the worst and latest horrifying trend are these stupid trucker hats. Oh Ashton, you give us so much of worth: Kelso, Demi-Gossip, Dude, Where’s My Car, but why are you determined to make hideous headwear your calling card?

To wit: I’m standing in line, trying to maintain, maintain, maintain even though I’m surrounded by people on cell phones, along with one particular jackass behind me who thought it would be a good idea to eat sushi while standing on line for the university’s financial aid. But I digress. One row up from me was a girl with really cute sandals (you can see where my eyes first lighted, natch. Shoes!) and a really cute pink flirty dress with the kind of material that kind of swishes when you walk — topped off by a stupid-ass trucker hat!

I’m sure she thought I was a confused admirer because I could not take my eyes off of her trucker hat. She’s taking fashion advice from the likes of P. Diddy and Ashton? Did she wake up and decide she wanted to look really cute except for her head? How does one even come to that decision? I’d go with the Dirty Hair Defense if she didn’t look like the type of girl who would rather shave her head bald before she ever went out without clean hair.

Please, youth of America, find a different way to rebel against your cozy middle class suburban upbringing. Kiss a girl, date a boy of a different race just in time for Thanksgiving dinner (gasp!), but leave the giant hats to the actual truckers, mmmkay? Because you’re killing me. You can do cute, or you can do grungy, but you can’t combine the two unless you’re Madonna. No one cares what that old whore wears anyway.