Like most people who will actually admit to watching last season’s Bachelorette on ABC, I was ing all over the place when Trista “I don’t have a baby, but I sure have the talk” Rehn cut Bob. Bob was chubby, sure. But he was unbelieveably funny, loved to bust a move at a moment’s notice, and seemed to be a genuinely good person. What’s not to like?

Apparently not much, because he’s back this season as The Bachelor. Yay, right? Oh, .

Tonight’s premiere showed just what is wrong with women and the prevailing attitude of fanculture. These women were all stunning, and some of them were potentially even out of Bob’s league, speaking strictly on the physical. Don’t flame me, bitches, I love Bob. I’d rather hang with him than with any of these bitches, and here’s why:

BITCHES BE KERRAZY!

No, really. Women cried. (Well, one did. Hee.) Women invoked the Evil Word. (Soulmates!) And women were ready to fall down to their knees and beg him to marry them on the spot.

at bitches who can’t (say it with me now) maintain. Even if you want to be a kerrazy desperate stalker bitch to a random sweet guy you saw on a reality show? You shut. the. fuck. up. about it on camera!

Some would say that maybe they were just putting on a show in order to get on camera. Oh, I say! You could see in these women’s eyes that they meant business. They were there to meet their soulmate that they had seen on TV!

They smiled their heads off. Unless you have seen a stalkerish woman in the presence of a mildly famous person whom they lust after, I don’t even know that I can explain it better than that. One woman (I rejoiced when she was cut) was shown trying on a wedding dress and veil for fun. Another actually said she needed to get married soon because, “Tick, tick, tick!”

Ladies, please. I know it’s not very dignified to go on TV looking for love, but can’t you at least try to not embarass our entire gender? Good or bad, he’s still just a guy. And a random, yet entirely adorable, one at that. Restrain yourselves, kerrazy single bitches of the world!

BDW, Bob? I love you. Pleassssssse marry me!!!