The much anticipated (by someone) second season of Dr. Phil has begun. And his main focus (but not only focus! Also Pregnant Teen Thursdays! Relationship Wednesdays! Hooray!) this year is your fat ass.

That's right, much like other noted scholars who before him, such as Suzanne Somers and everyone's favorite ambiguously-gay-to-no-one Richard Simmons, Dr. Phil is in the weight-loss business. He wants to change the nation. Because he loves you so. And, er, money.

But unlike preachy-crying shows where everyone hugs and passes the tissues, Phil likes to "tell it like it is." (I'm sure he has this trademarked by now!) Unless you've been living in a cave for the past year (and if you have, I'm turning you in under the Patriot Act, you America-hating terrorist bastard!) you know that when Phil "tells it like it is," it basically means that he's just being a blunt jackass.

But oh, there's more!

Not only is he a blunt jackass to some emotionally scarred fat people, he has locked them in a house. With a junk food collective not seen outside of the House of Brando. He even calls it the Temptation Pantry! BWAH!

But the very best part...is the twist. (It can't be new and exciting without...a twist, right?)

He's made it into Survivor: Fat Camp Mansion! He's cutting the housemates down next week! Fatties will be sent home with nothing, and those who don't get voted off (by Phil himself, natch. He is the doctor, after all!) will compete not only for health and fitness but also for valuable prizes!

It's just genius, really. I cannot wait.