Ahh MTV. Where are you, MTV of yore?

When I was growing up, MTV was the best thing on cable. We had those slider box remotes that had the 20-foot-long cord that attached to the TV. And woe to you if your mother heard you slide that remote dial too fast! But of course we had to, because MTV was the last channel on the dial. And we couldn't miss our MTV. We couldn't miss the same five videos, played over and over again.

Today's MTV looks little like it did back when I was small, other than the fact that they still play the same five videos, over and over again, despite the fact that there are more "artists" (term used loosely, of course, but don't get me started on the sucky-ass state of music today. Good Charlotte, indeed.) and groups today than ever before.

What they are playing, and a lot of it, is original programming. At least, it really was original back in 1992 when the first series of The Real World went live (although stories from the cast imply that even it was highly staged, especially the fighting that has become a staple of the reality TV genre today).

I'll admit, I was hooked for the first few seasons of The Real World. I've even accidentally met a few people related to the show (Miami Mike's ex-girlfriend Heather? A total bitch in real life.) What started off as an interesting glimpse into people's real (or staged, whatevah) behavior has turned into something completely different. Cast members are chosen for their ability to annoy and not get along with others. Or their desire to get naked on camera a lot. I forget which philosopher-king (bwah, I think it was Dan Rather? If you know, let me know) said that we are creating a whole generation that openly accepts being taped 24 hours a day, but I completely understand his fears.

Additionally, these kids are paid very minimally for their, er, "acting"? I'm not sure what to call it because none of them seem to be doing this out of the goodness of their hearts. They want fame. Almost all of them end up moving to L.A. in the hopes of breaking into acting. Or worse...

Singing. Oy.

Oh, Kelly Osbourne. I luv ya, but please stop singing. Or whatever that is you want to call it. I'll admit, I enjoyed the first season of The Osbournes. It was different. People who have been on drugs for forty years are meant to be laughed at, not pitied! People who don't have sense enough to teach their pets to shit outside? Hil-arious. People willing to have sex with Jack Osbourne? Um, .

I won't even get much into Road Rules. The fun of that show wasn't so much what kinds of tasks they were willing to do, but the fact that they were totally roughing it. They had limited money, no access to showers, and they had to learn to deal with it. In the latest versions, they've completely cut this part out and they spoil these kids like overly-tanned little assholes who believe they deserve it just because they exist. Gah. The crossover challenges between RR and TRW? Just a sad display of aging fame whores that never made it, yet continue to hold onto to the Corey Feldman-esque belief that they are still important somehow. It would be sad if they all weren't so damn annoying.

This brings me to Jessica Simpson and Nick LaSomebody's Newlyweds. What bothers me about this show isn't how incredibly stupid Jessica comes across as, or the fact that she said that a body is more important than a brain because "you don't need to be smart," or even that her husband seems to openly hate her. What bothers me is that they aren't even really celebrities! Can anyone name a Jessica Simpson or 98 Degrees (Nick's former group. He's gone solo now, you know!) song? Does anyone know the words? DO YOU? I don't believe it. They aren't even has-beens like the cast of the deliciously bad The Surreal Life. (Two Feldman references in one piece, people!) They're never-wases. They're probably more famous as a result of this show than anything else. And while it's mildly entertaining in an "oh, so that's how idiots think and live day to day" kind of way, it annoys me that it's been picked up for another season. If I wanted to listen to idiots that much, I'd pay more attention to the people around me in the Blockbuster check-out line. I expect season two to go much the same way as the second season of The Osbournes. Which is to say, nowhere fast.

But the worst offender, at least this season, is the power duo of Sorority Life and Fraternity Life. Now, the first season of SL was entertaining. In an "ahh I miss the drunken days of college" kind of way. Those girls were drunks and bitches. It was great. Two of them even walked out on their initiation day and told the rest of them to fuck off. It was beautiful and dramaqueen-ish. I was entertained!

Last season saw the beginning of the SL/FL combo, and they used the same university. But the ugliest university on the face of the planet. (Hellllllllloooooo citizens of Buffalo!) I'm all for average people being on TV, but come on. Give me something I can work with here. Oh, and they played pranks on each other. Ooooh. Usually involving eggs or other food items. Ick.

The third season is just a snorefest. I think it's already halfway over and I'm hard pressed to even list one salient plot point. There's literally nothing happening. The girls had an argument over using the car. Woooooo. Somebody should film such high drama and put it on TV! Oh, wait.

Next week, they de-pledge a girl for the first time in their history. Oooooh, wake me when they all start to cry and bond, mmmkay?

Fraternity Life this season is almost as bad, but in a completely different way. First, again with the ugly. One of the pledges has some sort of growth problem and looks about 12 years old. One of the brothers is nicknamed "Snatch" even though he has the facial appearance of a person who's never had any of that. But what's worse is that this show is just filled with 22 minutes a week of pure, illegal hazing. I'm all for the mild, makes-'em-bond kind of hazing, but this is just ridiculous. A quick note to the brother who screams and calls them maggots and makes them run at 5 a.m.? Just come out of the closet already. It'll really release some of that pent up rage you're aiming at these idiot boys.

This show showcases every stereotype that people believe is wrong with fraternities today. Do people join really thinking it will be as boring or spirit breaking as it's portrayed on these shows?

Because, as these shows never seem to point out, these are localized fraternities, with no national groups to oversee them. These aren't the usual types of Greek organizations that people think of when they go to college. Basically it means that they can do whatever they want, to whomever they want. (I could also say something about the relative attractiveness level of local fraternities on campuses that already have nationally sponsored Greek organizations, but I'll refrain.) What's even more spectacular is that these idiots do these clearly illegal behaviors by choice in front of cameras! Several members from both Fraternity Life "casts" have been arrested and brought to trial because of the idiotic things they have willingly done on camera. (Boys in season one broke into a city zoo in the hopes of kidnapping an animal; boys in Season Two stole prized Koi fish from the school pond, fried them, and ate them on camera. It won't be shown, though. Ugh.)

Are people really that eager to be on TV at all costs that they're willing to look like fools? The answer is clearly yes. Just look at MTV's Gideon Yago for proof.