So you’re considering getting an online journal.

They’re free, they’re somewhat fun, and all of your pals have them. Yay.

But wait. There are some very important questions that you need to ask yourself before subjecting your mom and your two friends to reading your everyday activities and random, mental minutiae.

1. Am I boring? Do people get a glazed look in their eyes every time you bring up certain topics, especially when they involve you? Do other people care about the random crap that you enjoy? If it’s always about you, then the answer is probably no.

2. Am I ugly and/or unattractive to the gender I prefer? This may seem like a strange choice, but trust me, if your entire journal revolves around the fact that no boy/girl/other will touch you, you need a therapist or better grooming. These things aren’t on the ‘Net. You have to leave the house for them. This issue also includes sex. Go have some.

3. Am I a freak? This may sound mean, but hear me out. The ‘Net is a great place to be a freak. Many FreakMarriages have been the product of carving out a little FreakNiche on the web. If you’re a freak, and you feel alone, odds are pretty good that there are others out there who are just like you. You may have to go to Indonesia to meet them, but hey, love is never simple.

4. Do I have anything to say? This one should seem like a brainless question, but it’s really not. I’ve run into all sorts of “bitching” forums and threads that have been utter disappointments. Bitching is not about the weather formations in the area of the world where you live. Unless it’s snowing frogs and you can reach out and lick them and get a really cool high (It’s a myth! Don’t do it!), then trust me, no one cares. Perhaps what you need isn’t a blog, but an actual friend.

4a. When/If I do have anything to say, can I say it in a succinct manner that is easily understood and entertaining to read? If you take a page and a half to tell me that you couldn’t find your hairbrush, I’m going to hit the back button. Unless of course, your hairbrush was possessed by the angry spirit of Richard Nixon and sprouted legs and was attempting to hide from you so that it could get back to the White House and do something to Laura Bush’s helmet hair…then I’d read that. Otherwise? Neeeeeext!

4b. Do I have anything original to say? I don’t care that you like puppies and hate rainy days. Don’t tell me that J.Lo has a large butt and can’t sing. We know this. Go out and do some living, and then get back to me with your opinions about the world. I also don’t care that you want to be a writer. Clearly you enjoy writing, or you wouldn’t have the damn thing. I get it. Move on, Slappy.

5. Am I obnoxious/sanctimonious/any other -ious ending word? It should be obvious, but often it’s not. If people can’t stand you for whatever reason in real life, what makes you think it’ll be any different online? Self-awareness, people. You need some. BDW? Your shit does stink, just so you know. Remember that. And finally,

6. Know your audience. If your blog is just for you and your private thoughts, then good. Be as you as you want to be. But if you mean for people to actually read it, pleasepleaseplease be aware of what you’re saying. Now, I’m not saying you should censor your private thoughts, but just know who is reading and why. If your main reader is your mother, don’t talk about your desire to masturbate while eating donuts and how you want to flash your muff in porn, okay? Especially if you (shudder) are dumb/open enough to use your real name. Just don’t gross us out, okay? Not all private thoughts should be published online. If they were, Anthony Michael Hall would have put out a restraining order on me a long time ago.

Go forth, my children, and bore/gross me out no longer. You’ll thank me later.