Oh, the Keepers.

You may not know what a Keeper is. You might even think it’s an icky, re-usable feminine hygeine product. Most likely, you probably don’t care. I know I don’t. But I’ll talk about them anyway. Because they vex me so. But more on my vexation later.

Keepers, as they call themselves, are people on fan sites who decide that they love one (or usually, several) things about a particular character, show, or couple so much that they “own” it. I think somewhere in the Keeper definition, they pledge to protect said object as well, but I can’t swear to it. I’ve never been in on one of these Keeper initiations. I imagine lots of lubricant is needed. And possibly an oven mitt. But anyway…

Mostly what being a Keeper means is that they get to declare themselves a Keeper in every single post. Or perhaps on a special thread devoted just to declaring yourself a Keeper! I’m not really sure why this is important, other than just so people can make themselves feel some sense of cohesion within a fandom. Like, if I declare myself to be the Keeper of Harry Potter’s 21st chromosome, then you can’t have it. And you can’t talk about it without me butting in and saying, “excuse me, but that’s mine!” But, if anything goes wrong with his 21st chromosome and he becomes…special, I am not at fault!

You can also give up your Keeper duties at any time, because clearly, being a Keeper can be a time-consuming task! You also do not have the ability to tell people on other websites that have declared themselves Keeper of a particular thing that you are already Keeper on a different website. You are out of Keeper jurisdiction.

You are also under direct obligation to declare your Keeperhood in your signature line. It’s like, the law. Failure to do so could result in revocation of your Keeperhood. And then you’d have to kill yourself. It’s not pretty and that’s why there are rules.

Mostly what gets me about the Keepers is the relative age and life status of the people that take this daunting duty upon themselves. Were they all thirteen years old, that would be one thing. But a lot of these people are over twenty years of age, and many have families. Families they surely must be neglecting in their hours online each day when they are making mermaid animations and such. Go be a mommy, not a mermaid.

Which brings me to the Fanlistings. Fanlistings, as far as I can tell, are just excuses to pimp your own website to other people who have an interest in the same random crap that you do. Which is fine, if it brings more traffic to your site and that’s what you want. What I don’t get are the ones where people simply add their name to a list without any sort of linking to their personal sites involved.

Fanlistings, much like the Keepers, can be about any bizarre minutiae. Did you really like a shirt that a character wore once on one episode of a certain show? Well, there you go. Go connect with your people who feel the same way! Do you feel that one particular episode of RandomShowHere typified the agony of unresolved male/male lust that you just know exists right under the surface? Bingo! Fanlisting!

Plenty of Fanlistings already exist. Do a quick Google search. Seriously, I can wait…

Did you add your name to the list? Did you?

If you did, can you tell me why? Because I still can’t figure out what it all means to just add your name to a list unless it’s a petition to get that super-important cross-state monorail that will change your life forever. Thanks, Freak.