Be careful young, white, blonde girls of the United States. Your vaginas are gold mines and everyone wants to sell a nugget for themselves.

What is the deal in this country with cute, white, blonde girls and people caring about what happened to their vaginas? Wasn’t JonBenet enough for the MorbidHags of this country? Oh no, now we have two new ones to take her place.

This is why Jessica Lynch vexes me so.

Not the actual person herself, but this whole media crapload that has mythologized her and her story. Yes, she’s in the military, and is an attractive female. Gasp! She’s a regular real-life Private Benjamin! She’s perfect for TV! And books! And magazines! YAY! A ready-made small-town hero! And she’s pretty, too!

I don’t mean to make light of what’s happened to her; it’s horrible. Fine. Give her a parade…oh wait, they did that.

First of all, let’s get a few facts straight. She was captured. How does getting caught make someone a hero? Could you explain that one to me? Shouldn’t the people who fought to get her out of there be the ones with the book deals and the appearances on Oprah?

Also, what about all of the other people that were captured and later rescued or released? They had about…eight minutes on a weeknight edition of Dateline NBC. Oh yeah, I guess they weren’t cute enough. Whatev.

Now the press is revealing that, according to her autobiography, Jessica Lynch was raped by her captors. I think I speak for the universe when I say that is nobody’s fucking business but hers. Why is it necessary to share this fact? To remind us just in case we didn’t already think what happened to her was bad enough?

And can I just say that, at least from my own perspective, rape must be the most horrifying and disturbing thing to ever happen to a woman. Why does this need to even be mentioned? Can’t we just assume that a range of really, really bad things happened to her? It’s not like this information will benefit us in any way. It’s not like I needed to be told, “In case you join the military, get sent to Iraq, and get captured…be careful. Rape can happen to you then!” There is no moral to this story: it is plain Vulture Sensationalism, and I for one will rail, rail against it!

Why must every detail be made public? But not just public…a movie of the week! HURRAH! And speaking of highly offensive movies of the week: The horror of year long, underage rape, now showing on your TV! YAY!

Be careful sleeping peacefully in your beds, you young, white, blonde girls. That old hippie carpenter your parents let in the house to do repairs because the Bible told them he might be an angel in disguise? Yeah, he might rape you. Lock your windows! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

At least Jessica Lynch is of age and old enough to make her own stupid media choices. Elizabeth Smart is not. Why isn’t someone who cares about this child’s psychological welfare giving better advice to her gay, Morman daddy? (Am I the only one who thinks he might be gay? Line? What line?)

I can’t even bitch much about this one, because it makes me get so irate. Have you seen her on any of the numerous talk shows and “news magazine” shows? She can’t even speak; she just stands there and smiles as if she’s in a daze.

Which she probably is after living under a burka for nearly a year and then being thrust onto Oprah’s couch.

Once upon a time, news organizations were not allowed to mention if an underage girl had been sexually assaulted or not. Where did those ethical standards go? This poor girl is going to be so fucked up, what with everyone knowing about what has happened to her vag in the past year. She’s a fucking child! Leave her alone to heal and deal already, Barbara Walters!

Up yours, you evil media whore. Up your vag!