Legend has it that John Hughes originally set out to have Molly Ringwald's character in Pretty in Pink ride off into the celluloid sunset with Duckie, the lovable weirdo who had been her childhood BFF. Yet test audiences hated that idea (as do I), so he begrudgingly changed the ending.

Oh, but he got his revenge with the steaming pile of wondercrap known as Some Kind of Wonderful, which takes basically the same story (geez, John, class issues much?) and switches the genders of the main people.

Hence, Eric Stoltz wearing eyeliner at the height of The Cure's popularity. Hot Boy + Eyeliner is usually a good thing in the place I call NeoLand, but I have yet to make it all the way through this movie in one sitting.

Why, you may ask? By reputation, I am clearly a bit of an '80s whore, yet this movie is one of the few that just makes me ill.

I think it all started when the movie came out. I was still quite young. Clearly my tastes have changed as I've gotten older, but I remember thinking that this was his movie full of ugly people. Or at least the Movie Where Everyone Has a Chin Dimple. WTF is up with that? They all sort of look...related. Except for Watts, whom I'll get to in a minute.

Oh screw the minute: Watts is so clearly a lesbian that I can't even stand it. And also? Completely obnoxious and annoying. Even Stevie Wonder could see that she had a thing for Eric Stoltz. (I can't be bothered to re-watch to find out his character's name.) Why should this poor little lesbian settle for being second choice? He finds out his dream girl cannot possibly live up to his mythologized image of her; big whoop. That's about the only decent message in this whole steaming pile, though.

Because all of the characters suck. That's right, I said it. They all suck.

There's nothing redeeming about any of them. Not that I want every character to be perfect and...wonderful, but give me something I can work with over here! There was nothing inherently likeable about any of them. Plus? Chin dimples. But at least it gives the viewer something to focus on instead of paying attention to the utterly ridiculous plot.

Also? Watts was a lesbian.

Stolz is the Sensitive Artist Loner. Who just happens to be totally friggin' hot. Um, okay. I don't know about your high school, but in mine? Hot was hot, no matter what extracurricular activities he or she chose to participate in.

Plus, Watts was totally a lesbian.

But onto the plot. Oh, the plot! The plot of SKOW is something that Hughes should still be apologizing for, even more than Baby's Day Out or Home Alone 3.

In relation to the plot, I hate the dad most of all. Blue-Collar Dad rides his kid's ass to go to college since he was never able to. He rides his ass for nearly two-thirds of the picture. At this point in the movie, even Stevie Wonder got up and left the theatre because he could see the ending coming from a mile away. Riding kid's ass always = kid rebelling, of course! He doesn't want college! All he wants is to impress Lea Thompson.

That's right, Lea Thompson is the Hot Chick of this movie. Lea. Thompson. Don't get me wrong, I like Lea, but as the Hot Chick? Alrighty, John. I know you saw Skinny Redhead, and you were trying to patch together the broken pieces of your Molly Crush, but I think you missed the mark on that one. You got greedy! You can't capture lightning in a bottle twice, mister! No one will ever do the library stairtop Molly Dance as well as Molly, and don't you ever forget it!

Ahem, so back to the dad. The Angry Sensitive Artist Loner Son of a Blue-Collar Dad at a Rich Preppy School decides to spend EVERY FUCKING DIME HE OWNS AND HAS SAVED FOR YEARS in order to take DreamyLea out on a date.

Excuse me? Back up the train, because I think I missed it.

He buys her a pair of (at least one carat each, if memory serves) diamond earrings. Um, I know he's Sensitive Artist Caring Loner Loser Picked on Blue Collar Every Stereotype Known to HughesKind, but didn't anyone think to tell him that such a first date gesture would scare the crap out of any normal girl? Jumping Jeebus.

But the biggest, most grievous error in this movie? When he tells his dad -- the Blue-Collar Worker, lest you forget -- when he tells his dad that he blew all his cash on a dame, his dad's all, "Well, okay then, son! She must be some broad!" (I'm having a Robert Evans moment here.)

WTF? How much must the dad make in a week? A normal parent would have smacked some serious sense into that kid. That shit ain't right! I'm a full-grown adult with a job, and if I tell my parents that I bought a new pair of boots on sale, they'll still tell me I shouldn't be so liberal with my money!

Where's the fiscal advice for teens in this movie? If you don't go to college, you should squander every dime? No savings account? No "save it for a rainy day"? No...argh! It makes me CrazyAngry.

But it still gets worse.

Stoltz, in a moment of sheer insensitive assholishness that has yet to be topped in CrapCinema yet to my knowledge, hires (Lesbian)Watts to drive him and Lea's skanky ass around on their date.

If Stevie were still watching, he would totally bitchslap Stoltz right here. There is simply no way that any mortal man or boy could be completely oblivious to the Desperate Plea for Love that Watts-of-the-Isle-of-Lesbos had been putting out to him for the entire movie. The level of passive aggressiveness in this movie is outstanding. Were she not a lesbian, she should have never forgiven him in a million years for the way he completely ignored her feelings and took advantage of their friendship throughout the course of the movie.

But then, ugh. In what I'm sure was supposed to be the redeeming moment, Stoltzy realizes he loves her. Watts. The Lesbian.

Out of the blue. "Here's this girl who supposedly calls me on my shit, but in reality lets me walk all over her, and is perfectly willing to wait in the wings for me while I go run after High Class Ass for as long as I want. HUR-RAH! I can manipulate her for all time!"

And she's all, "YAY! Stoltz for meeeeeee!" rather than telling him to go fuck himself like she should have. And instead of steel-toeing his ass back to the jeweler's to get his money back, she happily accepts the earrings. A gift he bought for another chick. ( to regifting jewelry!)

And we're supposed to be happy about this ending?

The lesson, young impressionable girls of suburban America, is this: if you hang out with one guy long enough, and let him know that you're willing to be his Back-Up Girl, you'll live happily ever after. Eventually. In earrings that totally aren't your style anyway.

Oh, and you're a lesbian, too.