This is an open apology from me to you.

God, I’m so worn out. It’s been a busy couple of weeks. I was her hidden gift for so long: often talked about but rarely touched. Now I’m touched all the time. It’s so unfair to me; she asks too much of me.

My lady has been all over the place: interviews, TRL, SNL, OB-GYN.

I’m feeling rather…overexposed. You can’t get away from me, can you?

But most importantly, you don’t care about me. I know you don’t. Yet, she just won’t stop making you see me, will she? And the TV isn’t helping. I’m like American Express: everywhere you go, everywhere you want to be.

Well, maybe.

There are the places I deny I’ve been. Fred Durst comes to mind. And Justin. Let’s not even go there, eh? You already know all about that. Because she chose to discuss it on TRL and one of those Vulture Media interviews, too.

Setting the record straight, she told me. She told me that people were really interested in what I’ve done, and who’s been to see me.

She also got pretty damn close to showing me to the world on that one cover, didn’t she? Yeah, we almost had words about that one. I gave her quite an itch for a week or two after that. That’s what she gets for shoving me in those mesh hose thongs to make it look like she had nothing on. It’s bad enough she shaves me so closely. Not like it fools anyone into thinking she’s a real blonde just by shaving off my habitat. Does she know how it vexes me to have no protection from the likes of Colin Farrell? But then again, he wasn’t really visiting me, just the backdoor, really.

But she’d never show me, see. At least, not for about six more years, when she’ll flash me to the whole world at once. Only after it looks like everyone’s forgotten about me.

Because you will all forget about me, won’t you? Her only option soon will be to stop talking about me because you’re all sick of me and my stories. You’re sick of me now, I can see it. But she won’t listen, see. She won’t leave me alone, because deep down, she knows I’m all she really has. She has no actual talent or staying power, just me.

And we all know that once I’m used up, it’s all over for her. And no one knows that better than her.

Here’s hoping you never have to see or hear about me again!

Sincerely,
Britney’s Vagina