Comcast can suck my balls. If I had any, they would. They were happy to suck my husband’s this morning.

Allow me to explain.

I don’t take a man with me when I go to buy a car. I don’t ask my husband to deal with the mechanic to ensure we get the best deal. Generally speaking, I’m confident in my ability to negotiate. I have spectacular credit card rates and have kicked ass in billing discrepancies but now, thanks to Comcast, my confidence has been shaken in a fundamental way.

I got an offer in the mail from WOW, an Internet and cable services company. They were offering the same Internet and cable service (or better if you count MTV2 as value-added content) for almost $20 less per month than we currently pay.

I mentioned this to a friend who said that Comcast would match those rates because her husband called and they ended up matching the deal WOW was offering. I’m a big believer in making companies compete for my business, so I called Comcast to see about the better rate.

When I called Comcast’s billing inquiry hotline — a local number — I was forced to choose between cable and Internet billing. I chose cable. I had a phone call with an extremely hostile woman who told me Comcast doesn’t bundle their cable and Internet. They are separate entities offering one convenient bill. The only way to lower my bill, from her perspective, was to cut back on my cable services. I asked her why I would want to do that instead of switching to a service that offers the same thing as Comcast for less money. She hoped to instill paranoia by repeatedly saying, “Well, you get what you pay for!” With what sounded like a straight face, she told me that Comcast has better customer service and many local offices. I told her she had been of no help and that I was going to call WOW to investigate their rates and customer service and that I would certainly be switching if they were more helpful than she had been. She said, “Okay. Have a nice day.”

I was perplexed and annoyed at this point. What the fuck? I was sure they offered competitive rates, unless my friend had been misinformed. I called back, electing to go with the Internet billing option. Perhaps that crazy woman I talked to didn’t know what she was talking about. This time a male customer service representative answered. I explained the situation and, again, I was told that there was nothing he could do.

“I find that hard to believe,” I said.

“Well, Comcast simply offers a better product and better customer service. If anything goes wrong we’ll be there to fix it.”

“I know. Every Comcast customer pays stupid ‘cable guard’ fees so that you’ll fix your own broken equipment. It’s genius.”

From there the conversation went downhill. He gave me a laundry list of lies about the competition. They didn’t have local offices (Why is this a selling point? Have I ever needed a local office?), they require a contract, they have hidden fees (something Comcast would know well, surely), and I’ll have to change my email address (The horror! The horror!). One point in particular made me crazy. WOW offers several speeds, and the guy on the phone kept arguing with me about the speeds, claiming that the reduced price would mean my Internet connection speed would be cut in half! Half!

I calmly explained to him that I’d reviewed the literature and even spoken to a WOW representative and that none of his claims were true, and he dismissed me, asking me if I’d like to schedule a shut-off date. I said I’d call back for that as soon as I’d scheduled a date to connect to the new company.

I got off the phone and called my husband. I was completely shocked by the poor quality of the Comcast customer service. He suggested we wait a couple of days and that he’d call. I thought that was sort of assy of him. I mean, what the hell difference does it make who calls?

This morning my husband called. He politely told the customer service guy who picked up the phone that WOW was offering us over $187 a year in savings and he wanted to know what Comcast could do to beat the rates. As I watched him on the phone, I was utterly dumbfounded when the customer service rep said, “Just a moment, please and I’ll transfer you to our Competitive Rates Department.”

I wasn’t sure if I should punch a wall or burst into tears. My husband asked the guy on the phone if it was Comcast’s policy to treat women callers like idiots to bully them into staying with Comcast. While I enjoyed watching my husband tear a manager at Comcast such a shiny new ass that we are now saving about $300 a year, I felt, for the first time in a long time, the sting of living in a man’s world.

It pisses me off that women are continually discouraged to have the level of autonomy men have. I can’t count how many times I’ve been told to “be careful” or to not do something because it increases the chances I’ll be put in peril. Don’t go out in that neighborhood by yourself. Have someone walk you to your car. Watch out after dark. It’s a big, bad world, and women are popular targets. So now am I supposed to add “get your husband to make the call” to my list?

I just can’t do it. And I shouldn’t have to. Look out, customer service call centers of the world; I’ve got your number.