…and here’s where you think I’m an asshole.

I’m so sick of John Ritter. So. Sick.

Don’t get me wrong, he seemed like a nice enough man, and a funny guy. Not everyone can do slapstick. Fine, there’s some praise.

But.

He’s dead, people. Has been for nearly two months now. Can the tributes stop yet? Let the man rest in peace. I’m sorry he died so suddenly, but really, he still lived a pretty good life, and he died when everything was going well for him. Shouldn’t we all be so lucky?

ABC? Go suck my tits, you carcass-eating bastards. A very special 8 Simple Rules where he dies. A very special 8 Simple Rules where everyone gets over his death. A very special 8 Simple Rules where everyone tries to go back to normal. A very special re-run of a very special 8 Simple Rules, in case you missed the first one. End it, bitches!

Oh, and let’s not forget the hour-long tribute to his life, courtesy of ABC!

Then there was the endless parade of his friends and former co-workers, some of whom had not talked to him in years. Looking at you, Ms. Somers. Heather, how many networks did you run to? (tm Veronica Sawyer). She’s such a fucking vulture.

Even today, Billy Bob Thornton was being interviewed about his friend who was in his last movie. Who are you to decide who is friends with whom, Mary Hart? (Between you and me, I think Mary Hart is of the Crab People. Something ain’t right there, folks.)

I guess I should just be glad Mary Hart and pals had time to work in a few more words about a dead person between those riveting segments about Jessica Lynch, American Hero, and Britney’s All-American Vagina.

Ugh.

Kill me.

But where are the heartfelt tributes to Buddy Hackett? Why do you scorn Buddy so? Buddy was just as funny as Ritter. Hell, so was Buddy Ebson. Was it just because he was under age 70? Twenty years ago, living until your late 50s was not considered that young. Only in youth-obsessed Hollywood is a fatal heart problem in the late 50s considered such a shocking abnormality. Read the obituaries sometime. Take a look at the life expectancy of the average non-white male, why don’t you.

There’s also a little matter of fact that he was not anything all that…extraordinary as an actor. He was all rright, but when he died, people acted like we had just lost one of the greatest talents of our time. Huh? He had one wildly popular (yet pretty damn awful in retrospect) show twenty years ago, and one modest hit now.

No one gave two good shits about his show before his death. It was one of those moderate hit-filler shows because they can’t get anything halfway decent on the air anymore. And please don’t send me hate mail about how much you love the show and that it’s so brilliant. Please cut the shit, okay? Anything that’s followed by According to Jim cannot be that great. It’ll totally get cancelled next year, anyway, which makes me a little sad, because I love James Garner. How in the HELL did they get Maverick to do this crapheap?

Viva le Garner.