MTV, the exaltation of pimp culture, and the idiot fankids of the internet are joining forces to kill the English language. Hear me, America?

*sits down McLaughlin Group style*

Issue one: Only Snoop Dog should be allowed to speak in SnoopSpeak.

I’m looking at you, white people. Cut it out. When something has made its way into an Old Navy commercial (and spoken by hipster Fran Drescher, no less), you know its time to retire it. If I hear one more thirty-something, white banker type talking about the shiznit and his nizzles, I may throw something blunt and heavy. (Leave the poor “Z” alone!) Also, way to let your kids swear without using the real words, parents. Do you want them to grow up to be like me? I didn’t think so.

Issue two: P.I.M.P! But you can’t getta nickel outta me!

Ugh. Stop rewarding idiot rappers for speaking improperly and stop funding their Escalades. (There is no reason for a car that big and UGLY, but that’s a rant for another day.) Remember when rap was still good? Run DMC, Whodini, Doug E. Fresh and the Get Fresh Crew? They had something to say, and they didn’t say it like they had a mouth full of marbles. Oh, excuse me, Fiddy Cent got shot in the face. Whatevah. Let’s hand him a bunch of awards and let him speak to the youth of America because all the other adults are too busy. This is certainly going off on a tangent, but the point remains: these thugs are your kids’ role models and the words that come out of their mouths aren’t pretty. Bitches and murder, indeed.

Aren’t the white, middle-class kids tired of pretending that they’re from the ghetto? It really doesn’t wash to wear Prada, Tommy, and oh-just-kill-me, Sean John and speak like you’re straight outta Compton! Just stop being mad at your parents already, okay? You’ll be a better person for it.

Issue three: Internet speak. Oy.

“LOL” is not suitable for classwork. Neither is “U” for you, or anything ending in a “Z” that should have an “S” instead. (What is with this assault on the letter Z, anyway? Leave it be!) Typing like an idiot online doesn’t save time either, no matter how much you say it. Sezzz who? Me, Dawg! I’ve never understood that argument either. Clearly if you are posting at an online site for fun, saving time isn’t your biggest concern. You are wasting time on purpose. See the distinction? You are a Fantard. Just deal with it and stop acting like you have better things to do rather than spell properly. No one buys it.

Your words are your reflection to the world. Choose what you want them to see wisely. Fo’ shizzle.