Hi, everyone. This is Bitter T. Today’s journal entry is all about how ugly men are nice and all women are complete bitches. Except the fatties, because they don’t matter anyway.

Oh, Bittah, that’s not very nice. Weren’t you once over 400 pounds, bald, and virginal?

Well, yes, Neo. But that’s me. I’m a nice guy in search of pussypussypussy! And all women who won’t give me pussy are complete whores and bitches.

But Bittah, you’re quite the pot, you know? All the entries in your guestbook seem to think so as well.

Pot? Are you calling me fat? Because I’m told that I’m quite a hottie now and that chicks like to think of me as they masturbate. I hear that all the time! When I wear a hat, at least.

*projectile vomits*

Hey, do you have the flu or something? Stay away from me, then. If I get the flu, I can’t go out looking for pussy that isn’t fat.

I have no comment on that, T. Hey, weren’t you going to tell me about your latest journal entry on the finale of Average Joe? I heard you were pretty upset about Ma-lain-uh choosing the poor cute guy over the rich guy with big teeth.

God, all women are whores, except the non-fatties who have fucked me. (All two of them.)

I’d say those two must be drunks rather than whores, then, eh?

What?

Uh, nevermind. So, Ma-lain-uh?

Oh right. I was distracted thinking about how hot women find me. She’s such a superficial whore for choosing the cute guy she had chemistry with over the rich, nice guy. Women never give guys like a me a chance!

Have you ever thought that maybe she — and the women you choose to go after — are just superficial bitches who don’t reflect all of womankind? Not to cast judgement on her, but she never seemed to have any deep conversations with any of these guys, at least not on camera.

Well, yeah, but she was so hot! I’d nail her!

Hmm…what if she bore your child and then never lost the baby weight?

Way to kill my wood, dude. Ugh, no fatties can ride this train!

Ugh, indeed, T. Ugh, indeed.