Jesus, are you there? Jesus?!

Jesus is busy right now, but this is his dad. Can I help?

I’m not sure. Let me tell you my problem, and you tell me what you think.

Make it snappy, son. I’ve got to be a duckbilled platypus in Guam in a half hour.

Do you read my online journal, God?

Um…

What am I saying, of course you do. God, people just don’t understand me.

How so, my child?

Well, I just started this new job, right. I’m totally the hottest guy in the whole place. Why aren’t people publicly recognizing my HOTTness? I didn’t lose 200 pounds so I could continue not getting laid.

Oh, T. Didn’t you and Neo talk about this before? Didn’t she tell you about your attitude being the problem?

Yeah, but screw her. She doesn’t think I’m hot, so you obviously made her mentally defective or something.

I can smite you, you know.

Whatev. Hey Big G, do you watch Average Joe II: Hawaii?

No, it conficts with the Baywatch reruns on the USA Network.

Well, you totally should. The cool, hot guys are totally going to kick FattyAss! ROCK ON!

T, you know I’m omniscient and omnipresent, right? I know you were over 400 pounds last year.

Well, yeah, but so what? I’m hot now! I can get skinny, cute girls! I’d never pick a fat and ugly girl anymore.

You clearly need some therapy, my child. Your lingering self-hatred is manifesting itself through your attitude toward women.

Gee thanks, Dr. Phil!

*SMITES*