On behalf of the millions of teenage girls who watched Everwood this week (as a former member of their ranks), I’d like to tell the writers and producers to go fuck themselves. Quickly and painfully, on a thin sheet in the woods, so they feel every pointy twig.

Once again, a show aimed at the 12-18 year old female demographic has sent us an important message about sex: If you’re a girl, you only get your first time once and it had better be a magical, beautiful thing, or you’ll be scarred (literally!) for life. If you’re a boy, however, you can just do it randomly one night in your car and it’s cool, yo.

One of the reasons I like this show is that it breaks with the usual “teen show” conventions. Amy and Ephram weren’t a happy couple whose bliss was shattered when Colin suddenly, amazingly emerged from his coma. Treat and Nina haven’t gotten together even though theirs is probably the most expected pairing after Amy/Ephram. Colin actually died. Amy fell into a deep and, until recently, realistically bleak depression.

Given all of that, I don’t think it was out of line for me to anticipate that the issue of sex would be tackled in an intelligent and non-cliché-ridden manner. Unfortunately, I was subjected to the pile of crap that was Monday’s episode.

First we have Ephram, who apparently wasn’t even thinking about sleeping with Madison until one conversation with Bright (whom I love dearly, but whose relationship advice should never, ever be followed) brought him to her door with a box of Trojans and a raging erection. Madison, predictably, shut him down, but only so she could relate the sad, sad story of how she lost her virginity on the ground with only a sheet between her delicate skin and the prickly, prickly underbrush. Cry me a river, bitch. Or better yet, go talk to Kelly Taylor (her guy didn’t even bother with the blanket). Ephram’s sympathetic reaction was enough to completely change her mind about screwing him but those of us in the audience who were about to vomit everything we’ve ever eaten were fortunately spared the unholy alliance of their naked bodies by some really, really premature ejaculation. Praise Beek. Except not, because that wrench in the works only provided a brief respite during which Andy gave Ephram “the talk” before sending him back into the waiting arms of his horrible, icky girlfriend who he ended up nailing in his presumably stick-and-rock-free car. Swell.

Let’s contrast that with Amy’s experience. Did she, like Ephram, let a friend convince her that it was sexin’ time? No, she made up her mind on her own and then went to Laynie for advice. Did she hastily grab some prophylactics, head over to Tommy’s house and jump on him? No, she researched birth control methods and, armed with that info, went to see Andy about going on the pill. Then she sat down with Tommy and talked to him about having sex and while her reasoning was all kinds of wrong and depressing, at least she was honest about everything. Unlike Ephram and Madison, she and Tommy decided together to take that step and they decided a few days in advance, as opposed to mere minutes. So it all worked out okay, right? Wrong-fucking-o. Amy ended up calling things off after Tommy gave her the lamest cover story in the world to justify why he was selling drugs.

Now before anyone gets the wrong idea, I’ll state that I’m happy about this turn of events. I hate this pairing and I absolutely don’t think Amy should be having sex “to get it over with” and/or because the guy she expected she’d lose her virginity to is dead. What I really resent is the overall implication of these two scenarios: rash, impulsive Ephram can sleep with his girlfriend without giving it any forethought or even really talking to her about it, but Amy, who does all of her homework, gets to find out that her boyfriend is a lying, drug dealing scumbag. And she gets the super-offensive Girls’ Version of “the talk,” which goes something like this: “Your hymen is precious and sacred and you must wait for the right guy and the right time and the right outfit and the right lighting scheme and the right music and blah blah blah oh my god why the fuck must we keep insisting to girls that losing their virginity has to be the most special-est event in the history of the universe or else it will ruin their lives FOREVER?!?!” Why can’t these shows just be honest and make the point that first times are rarely if ever going to be perfect because we all live in the real world and not some fucking fairy tale come to life? And, more than that, it’s okay if your first sexual experience isn’t cinematic? You will not be “damaged goods.” You can have a fulfilling love-and-sex life in the future.

Sigh. I’ve come to expect a lot from this show and that makes the fact that they’ve helped to perpetuate such a lameass notion really upsetting to me. I suppose the bottom line is that no matter what other “teen show” standards they’re willing to buck, TPTB at Everwood are all firmly on the “Sex is bad…if you’re a girl” train. And to that, I give a hearty