At the very end of a crappy old blank tape I use each week to record shows while I’m out, somehow there still exists a forty-five second segment of a Dawson’s Creek episode.

After my deep Mr. Burns-esque soul-shudder, I kept watching even though it’s been two years since I’ve seen any Creek at all. I don’t watch the TBSpeats or own any DVDs either. Really. (I can share my de-Creekification strategies with you if you would care to PayPal my account the low, low investment of $29.95. Persons allergic to bleach and honey mustard dressing should consult a physician prior to ordering as it is not a cocktail for weak constitutions.)

I only know that it was season four because Pacey’s hair was growing in. This, of course, totally reminds me of one of the very first posts I ever read at MBTV[r.i.p. 2001]. I remember Isadora_ wondering what his growing out hair would feel like on her belly! Ah, memories.

I had to look it up at IMDB to see that it was The Te of Pacey. Oh Jeebus. I’m glad I didn’t remember that, although it was right down the list from an episode called You Had Me at Goodbye and the TomKat vomit starts creeping back up. Down, you.

Oh right, the plot of the snippet. Pacey’s mom who is six feet tall and has gone to bigger and better things, like playing a lesbian dog-handler has made Pacey’s supposedly favorite meal of creamed chipped beef on toast for his birthday dinner, even though he sulks and says it’s Dougie’s favorite. Dylan Neal makes me wish he were still on TV with his line delivery and I totally agree with him that it’s one of the best meals ever. Although in my house, it was always a breakfast and not a dinner but whatever. I won’t quibble with his cuteness.

Here’s how forty-five seconds told me this whole show was bullshit:

Lesbian dog-mom asks Joanna (Joey) to go into the kitchen and grab the ketchup as she passes a monster tray of creamed chipped beef down the table.

In what universe would you need ketchup with that? And why does Joanna so willingly go, rather than call her on her need for a ridiculous condiment? (Oh right, Dawson’s in the kitchen, probably grabbing the forgotten and unnecessary steak sauce or the useless paprika.)

I saw no tater tots, no fries on that table. No side-dishes that would be enhanced through tomato-based corn syrup products at all. Who would sully the deliciousness of creamed chipped beef with ketchup? (There was also no toast on the table, but who’s keeping track of that? Maybe it’s already under the creamed chipped beef, which is just bad presentation. You know it’s already soggy.)

I’m just horrified that this ridiculous plothole/device was used to get Joanna into the kitchen where Dawson and his season four greasy locks of doom were waiting to angst poetic over her.

The tape ends, and I wonder what the hell? I’m still so, so disturbed. Not disturbed enough that I didn’t go out and have creamed chipped beef for lunch, but still. Sicko ketchup freaks or ridiculous plothole gaps? I think it’s fairly obvious that we have both here, folks. Wouldn’t it have made more sense for it to be pepper or a large spoon that she’d forgotten? One bottle of ketchup encapsulated all the problems with the show: shit just doesn’t make sense and yet no one cared to catch it or at least throw a plate of tots on the table.

I do wonder though, with politics on the Creek being as they were… would sweet, midwestern, wholesome, and adorable Katie have grabbed the Heinz?

Second viewing edit: That may actually be a tiny bowl of tots (or possibly carrots, as I said it’s a crappy old tape and the quality is baaaad) in front of Jack. I won’t delete this because even if it is a bowl of tots -which I doubt!- there is no way that small bowl is enough for eight adults and miscellaneous overweight children in the next scene. Kids love tots, dammit. And if it is tots, way to go serving so many starches in one meal. No wonder Miscellaneous Grandchild We Never Saw Again had a weight problem.

I did not see on first viewing that when Joanna comes into the kitchen, Dawson is standing beside a wiggly, jiggly Jell-o mold. Even though everyone knows they eat the half-eaten lop-sided cake later instead. I don’t think I need to tell you that the Jell-o was more believable in the scene, right? I think you know my opinion on that already.