This is less of a recap and more about my opinions of televised crap, along with a dash of conspiracy theory. Read at your own risk, although if you actually watched the show and saw Feddy naked in the shower like I did, odds are that you’ve just gotten over your own temporary hysterical blindness. Okay then…

Britney sings the theme song. Oh God. Did you know that her life is chaotic or something? It’s so chaotic she and Feddy don’t even have time to make her poor virgin assistant with the unfortunate teeth (Felicia) ever go buy them some shampoo. Although my theory is that in the midst of their shower together, she uses all the shampoo but no conditioner (attesting to her dried-out weave) and he is left with only the conditioner to use (attesting to the overly greased state of his hair at any time). Yuck. It’s really too bad they’ve seemed to stop making those all-in-one brands because Feddy could stand a decent shampoo.

Brit interviews her ‘peeps’ about marriage and commitment. Including her little gay Asian weavemaster and a hotel electrician. I *heart* little gaysian weavemaster! This must have been right after her quickie Vegas marriage and divorce and she sounds a little jaded, which is nice because she sounds like a rambling teenage moron through the rest of the show. She declares that her perfect man would be… cool. Too bad the Fonz is married, Brit. Aaaaaaay!

Each of the segments are also narrated by Present Day Britney and her nipples. Seriously her shirt is so low over those implants. Greasy long-haired Kevin also adds in his opinions in Present Day Time as well. Because he’s the co-producer, yo.

Ahhh acne scar cam! How is this woman still a spokesperson for Proactiv? She has some serious acne all over her body which makes me feel bad for her. A lot of this footage is Britbrit aiming the camera at the bottom two-thirds of her own head, so a great deal of the show is of her chin and up her nostrils. No, I’m not kidding. It reminds me a lot of the old SNL sketch of Tori Spelling whipping out the picture of Shannon Doherty and pointing out all the places she had zits that week. “And on the Acne Front….”

“Her Starbucks is kicking in,” may be the funniest thing Virginal Felicia, whose virginity story I believe almost as much as Katie Holmes’s, says on the whole show. Britbrit is dancing around like a big ol’ dork backstage at the British version of Total Request Live. She’s almost likeable in the Pre-Feddy months, aside from her emotional age being about eleven here. She dances around and talks in stupid voices, which makes me feel embarassed for her like I sometimes do for Oprah. Then I remember that Oprah could quite literally buy my love.

Felicia is not only her employee, she’s also her friend! A friend you pay is not a friend, Brit. They’re called employees or prostitutes. Or maybe that’s Britney…I get confused. No wait, Britney is the total John. Speaking of her latest Paid Friend…

Our first glimpse of Feddy and it’s a total Chester-the Molester shot. Ugh. I never thought I’d say this, but someone put his “signature Fedora” back on his head, stat! The grease! Dear lord, the grease. I feel unclean. I think I just got Chlamydia.

Are you shocked at all the chaotic-ness yet? I will give Britney this much, it’s not as shaky Blair-Witchy cam as I was expecting it to be. Brit is a man with a steady hand. She wants a lover with an easy touch…

“I’m not all about sex, y’all.” Oh god, this is when I knew for sure that this show was total bullshit. I know she has some supporters out there that think it’s great that she’s releasing these ‘home movies’ to let us ‘handle her truth’ but I totally think this whole thing was staged. These ‘home movies’ remind me a lot of the kinds of dorking out and goofing around that my friends and I would do with the camcorder in ninth grade. Sadly/luckily, none of those movies still exist to this day and there’s a damn good reason why: no one should ever see that shit. Or this shit. Ever.

Her poor assistant Felicia and her unfortunate bangs. There is no doubt in my mind that Felicia must be some sort of cousin to Britney because she is countrified to the bone. Brit tells Felicia that she needs to get laid because sometimes she gets on their nerves. Hello sexual harassment lawsuit! Brit wants Felicia to hook up with someone called Miguel but calls him McGill in her thick, thick accent. Her voice is totally different than when she does appearances on real TV shows.

Her other ‘dork’ voice makes me sad. You can tell she talks to herself a lot. Where was that guy from Father Knows Best and his Child Actor Advocacy group for Britbrit? She’s as socially retarded as if she had been locked in an attic with her brother Chris for all those years. Run Jamie-Lyn, run!

Oooh the Onyx Tour that she cancelled! We’re going backstage to witness the magic. The magic apparently rests heavily on pre-recorded vocals and an actual band. “Now you get to see my peeps in the hizzio!” Damn you, Snoop Dogg!

This footage also proves Brit was wearing a stupid Fedora hat, pre-Feddy. Their love was predestined, y’all. When you meet a man who likes the same kind of hat you do, you just know. They are truly soulmates!

Twenty-three minutes in and she still can’t work the zoom, and tells us this. Why the fuck am I watching this again?

Ew. Chest-ne cam.

“They can take everything away from you but your truth.” Um, no. Whatever people say about celebrities becomes truth. Hasn’t anyone taught Brit this yet? Ask Richard Gere about his gerbil, whydoncha.

Oh God, now there’s JC Chavez. Why god why? He has trucker hat hair, which is amusing. He also runs from her camera and her stupid questions about his favorite sexual positions. He may be smarter than I had previously thought because, I don’t get why her employees let her ask them these stupid ninth-grade Slam Book types of personal questions. I get that she has money and is their ‘pal’ but give me a fucking break. It’s hardly professional behavior and could very well become State’s Evidence should any of them try to sue.

She keeps making pig-noses with her fingers which makes me think that’s mostly her real nose, at least at the tip. I see no scarring and fixed noses can’t move that way! It also makes me think Crossroads must be a horrible, horrible movie. She has no idea what to do with herself.

But wait! She’s so edgy! All she talks about is sex! Do you know that she has sex? Because she totally does. She’s not. that. inno. cent. This whole set-up makes me think she really, really wants to be Madonna in every way. Remember last year when she did one of those newsmagazine shows and she made a big deal about one of her songs being about masturbation? Because she masturbates! And it makes her sooo edgy!

She’s doing the same exact thing here, except she’s including actual dick in the scenario. Madonna went through her Shocking Whoredom phase but at least when she did it, it seemed like a natural extension of exploring her own… whorishness. This just screams, “Look at me! My boobs are as big as Jessica’s and I’m as sexual as Madonna! And I can have dick now and there’s nothing ma mama kin say about it!” It all just reminds me of that One Guy in College that would always talk about all the sex he was always getting when no one had ever seen him anywhere near a real, live girl.

Thankfully the Onyx Hotel overseas footage is mostly short because it’s reminiscent of a stage show in front of the food area at Busch Gardens or the old Captain Emo show at Epcot. There’s some kind of pyrotechnics (always the sure sign of a great stage show, of course) and a creepy ringmaster? What the hell is that?

Oh yay, the jazz version of Drive Me Crazy. She’s busting out the classics. Baby thinking of you keeps me up all night! Oh Jeebus, the ugly, ugly foreshadowing there.

Aaaaaaand back to Feddy. Shit.

How does Kevin look like he needs a shampoo even when his hair is completely buzzed off? Feddy is so greasy-haired I can’t even stand it. You are no Troy Dyer, my friend. You can tell this is before she got her clutches [read: money] into him because he isn’t wearing the giant diamond earrings yet. Ugh, I just cannot stand this guy. Oh god, he speaks…

Buzzed-hair Feddy is not…ugly per se. But he just looks like there’s a Camaro in his yard that he needs to get back ta fixin’. Brit can buy him all new caps for his teeth but not a five dollar bottle of shampoo? Oh look, he’s a Yankees fan. That certainly fits my theory that all Yankees fans are assholes. Sorry, but it’s true.

When your assistant says, “He’s very nice. And a good dancer…” maybe you need to find out more good qualities about him. Or possibly dump his skanky ass.

Security Guard Mo may be my favorite. He hates Feddy and thinks he is a free-loader. Mo looks like his shit is bigger than Feddy on a low-fiber day. He is huge.

And here’s where it starts getting really, really ugly. Brit is on scary night-vision cam, and is drunk as hell. She asks Feddy his opinion on Eminem and Feddy declares him a genius. Well, duh. Of course Feddy would like a guy who fell ass-backwards into millions and can impregnate women and then sing about killing them. Feddy is currently working on his debut rap album, yo. Brit says he’s got ‘flow’ and I just don’t even know what the hell that means other than the fact that she’s trying to make it into a part of speech that its not which angerates me.

Britney was a smidge annoyed with Eminem earlier in the show and changed the words to one of his songs, which was actually kind-of funny. But now she agrees with Feddypoo and says that, “He’s a genius but he complains a lot. But that’s cool.” Oh Brit, don’t change your opinion just to impress a man. Where the hell was your mama fer teachin’ ya about these type of things? Oh right, she was signing the deals to slut you up when you were a wee teen.

It’s annoying me that she’s drunk and talking of marriage and commitment in general terms with Feddy while his girlfriend is at home, totally pregnant with his second baby. She also appears to have just met him recently and she blows that whole ‘met him as a back-up dancer for LFO’ story out of the water. Apparently she saw him in a club in L.A. and just could not stop thinking about him, his ‘signature Fedora’, and his baby-makin’ sperm. She went back and asked him to fly to London with her while she was on tour. He left his very pregnant girlfriend to fly to London and fuck Britney.

He may be a skeezebag, but he does not come off as stupid in this at all. He does, however, appear to fuck Britney stupid. “Let’s don’t go, let’s just fuck all day!” she says after her very deep analysis of a picture in her hotel room. He gets in the shower and I just… God. There he is. The water rolls right off his greasy head and she pans down. I can’t look, people. The UPN censors don’t seem to exist, given how much Naked Spike I remember seeing on Buffy and I can’t risk looking at this.

Brit has to wait and wait. Why does it take him so long to get ready? Is he applying MORE body and hair grease? Scabies lotion? Maybe he’s calling Shar and telling her he’s finally found that new j-o-b she’s been pestering him to get. Poor Shar had no idea that j-o-b was spelled v-a-g.

Later on that same day, still in the afterglow, Brit is on the treadmill and this proves she has had implants because there is just nothing there. People keep attributing her newly giant boobs to her pregnancy, but has anyone in the history of the world gone up three cup sizes in their first trimester? Bullshit. Let me go get knocked up right now then.

‘Why couldn’t I come in here?’ Oh Felicia, you don’t want to know.

“I was having sex!” She holds up three fingers to tell her how many times. I think I remember having this exact conversation with very close friends before, probably around the same age Britney is here so as silly as it seems, it still makes me sad that she appears to have no friends that aren’t paid to be there and no close girlfriends to talk about sex deets. Even Felicia, who seems to be the closest to Brit when Britney isn’t rudely harassing her about her own lack of sexlife, is at least ten years older than Britbrit.

Later she tells Little Gaysian Weavemaster, “God, our sex is so good. I’ve had sex three times today… He got head the day before yesterday.” Way to go, UPN censors! What’s sad here though is that she’s totally glowing and happy, like she’s the first person to ever have sex in the history of the planet. Like I said, he must have fucked her stupid. It’s nice that she’s that happy but it’s sad because he just doesn’t seem… all about her in the footage so far. Seems like he saw a Mealticket and he cashed in his Golden Dick to get it.

She also claims to be using reverse psychology on him by asking how he feels about marriage and commitment, rather than asking him to go steady straight away. That is the stupidest (and most incorrect method) of using psychology to get what you want.

You’re Britney Fucking Spears. You’re going to buy his love and his sperm-babies, so just do it straight out and cut all this bullshit! Is it just a coincidence that their entire relationship was taped from beginning to possible-end? Please, woman. You wanted to get married and have babies so you went out and bought yourself a man with a track record of impregnation and fame-whore leanings. The world knows this; why don’t you?

It’s sad that she seems so convinced that this is true love forever, y’all. Feddy just comes off as an opportunist weasel. It also seems like Britney has no concept of adult behavior or any real friends at all, which kind-of makes me sad for her. All that money, fame, and fake boobies and yet she’s not been socialized or taught how to live in the world in the least.

Scenes from next week: PornCam. Ugh. So much tongue up-close. Mo doesn’t want that punk around her and it looks like he may bodyslam him to the floor of the tour bus, which may just make me tune in again to see that. Gooooo Mo! I wonder if Feddy has since had him fired?