Michael Richards almost has my sympathy at this point. I mean, his is a completely self-created situation so it’s hard to well up any sympathy for his career-snuffing racial tirade—especially since what he said was so blatantly racist and, worse yet, genuinely unfunny. That said, is there a fate worst than the Tour d’Apologie?

I’m not especially shocked by his behavior (I might be too cynical to be shocked by much these days) but I am shocked by how much people seem to care. I mean, it’s Michael Richards. Unless you said, “He’s Kramer!” we’d never even know who the hell you were talking about. I’d be more shocked if it were Laurie Metcalf in trouble—at least she always played a relatable sidekick.

Honestly, I am more shocked by the poor damage control surrounding his massively stupid fuck up than the fuck up itself, which is not to say that I condone his feelings—he seems like a nutter, no?—but you’d think he’s been in the public eye enough to be able to gauge how much insane behavior you can show and how much you can’t.

I don’t know why I expect celebrities to understand how to use the media when they screw up—if they knew how to wield the mighty tool they probably wouldn’t have gotten in trouble in the first place, right?

At any rate, I find it deeply amusing that this Michael Richards scandal is turning into a Bonfire of the Vanities. First Richards apologizes on Letterman in a completely bizarre way, staged by Jerry Seinfeld himself! It would have made more sense to apologize to the hecklers (and perhaps they should apologize in kind so long as we’re doing the mea culpa dance).

The Letterman spot was weird and kind of a bomb (what with only whiteys watching Seinfeld and Letterman what’s the point?). Next up was Jesse Jackson’s radio show—to apologize directly to “Afro-America” as Richards puts it. I think he should have gone door-to-door in a black neighborhood with a full production crew. That might have been more entertaining. Al Sharpton also received an apology though he didn’t accept it!

Then Gloria Alred—ambulance-chasing “fighter” for “truth” and “justice”—takes up the case of the insulted hecklers and declares that Richards should meet with them and then pay up what a “retired judge” (that Alred herself has already selected) thinks is appropriate compensation. The judge has to be retired because Alred knows that there’s no legal case here.

In the meantime, it turns out Richards has a history of racially-charged comedy in his past, including anti-Semitic jokes. His “crisis management” PR firm declared that Richards himself is Jewish so it’s okay that he’s anti-Semitic! Turns out this is not true! He’s not Jewish! Somebody got fired for that one, I’m guessing. Of course, this little twist should be twice as funny to Seinfeld fans who remember Jerry getting annoyed because he suspects a recently-converted Jew only converted so he could tell anti-Semitic jokes! That still cracks me up, crazy Kramer or no.

Then Jesse Jackson calls for a boycott of the latest Seinfeld DVD release, which is just hilarious to me (though the many folks that profit from the DVD sales not named Michael Richards might feel differently)! Of course Seinfeld was a ginormous hit in the ’90s with white audiences but was completely ignored by black households, at least according to Neilson ratings. Will liberal Americans listen to Jesse Jackson? Should they? And what good will not buying Seinfeld DVDs do? Wouldn’t it make more sense to boycott Richards current work? I just find this whole thing to be so many shades of crazy.

What if ol’ Kramer had just said: “Hey, I was trying to do my act when I got heckled. The hecklers pissed me off and I crossed a line in an attempt to take control of the audience. I fucked up! They really pissed me off so I took a cheap shot in an attempt to be ‘edgy’ and I came off as a total douche. To make up for insulting those folks (and by extension their entire race), I’m going to donate my cut of the Seinfeld season seven DVD sales to charities that benefit black children and promote racial harmony. I’m going to take anger management and racial sensitivity classes. I’m very sorry for being a douche, thank you and goodnight.”

Of course the way Michael Richards handled this entire thing is way more interesting than my suggestion so perhaps he has an elaborate plan to come out with a documentary called The Passion of the Kramer .